People say i'm an emotionally strong person. I hold myself well, and I'm always smiling and laughing. They say I pick myself up whenever I'm down, and I'll be back to the happy go lucky girl. Emotionally strong? maybe thats just a facade. I'm this loud, crazy girl when I'm out with my friends and family. Whenever I'm upset, I'll hide my emotions til i get home. I'll coop myself in my room and let it out. Nobody knows whats happening in there. My Mom and Dad doesn't know whether I'm upset or not as I'll just walk into my room pretending to do something. If I'm angry, I'll just leave and stay in my room til the steam wears off. Nobody knows anything. My sister think I don't know anything, I'm still young, and I've got the whole world to see when I start uni, or work. She sees me as her little girl who is 10 years younger than her, who goes out and party, and wastes my parents money. There are bits which are true, and bits that arent. She does'nt know what I do or what I like doing. Since young I've never been able to 'play' with my older siblings, as they are either in the army, in uni, or working. They are too old to want to play toys with me, or too busy to come home for a family dinner. I can't talk serious stuff with them, as all my sis would say is, 'you don't know anything yet cheryl. Just wait til you're older.' I'm afraid she'll look down on me, as shes got a decade more experience than I do.

Yes. I spend money like my parents own money trees or something. I know that money aint that easy to earn and I've cut down my expenses. I stay home all day and watch my tv and go online. People say.. you're always online cheryl.. dont you have a life? What can I do which doesnt involve spending money? I'll go out if its just for a meal or something. Anything that doesnt involve alot of money. No more shopping for me. I've got more than I need and should be thankful. Mom doesnt understand what I really want. I guess my brother knows how to show his love to me. A simple thing that he does, by buying breakfast home for me makes me so thankful. It showed that he thought about me.. Even if its a packet of milo from the hawker, or a macdonalds mc muffin, or drinking the other colours of yakult as he knows I only like the red ones.. I love him for that. Mom hasnt given me a hug, or said I love you in quite a while.. I won't chuck a fit, or complain to my parents, as they have provided and sacrificed so much for me. They think I don't know what they have done for me, but I really do know. Listening to their scolding and nagging is nothing compared to the hard work that they've gone through to provide for me. So just let them nag. Mom has accompanied me to perth for 4 years. I know she was very lonely. Her days consisted of waiting til 3.20pm to pick me up from school everyday, and waiting for me to come home for dinner when I'm out with my friends for the day.. I feel guilty that I made her feel like that because I was selfish and I wanted to go to Perth for my studies. I'm heading back alone this year.. It would be hard without mom around and it would be nice if I could have my boyfriend around with me to stay by my side.. but that is just way out of the picture. Its hard, but I'll have to hang on. So many things have happened in that 4 years of high school in perth.. This little bit of change won't be too bad I suppose.

Knowing Jon last year has made me really happy. He liked me without meeting or knowing me in person, which makes it pretty special =) Its sorta like a big risk, not knowing how your girlfriend looks like in person, not knowing her habits or anything. I never wanted to tell people about how we got to know each other and how we got together. I'm not ashamed of it, as we've come this far, but sometimes their reaction puts me off, and it gets me thinking about the bads of the relationship. The circumstances of it is definately a bad, but people say all we need is love, as it is boundless. I disagree. There must be love, committment, and action. When I see my friends and their other half, I envy them. The things that their bf's do for them are beyond me. Maybe the things that he has done for me are not what I expected or what I want, but I cant complain as the biggest gift he has given to me was the trip he made to singapore. I keep reminding myself not to think about the things he hasnt done, but about everything that he has done. After we met, I don't really know what he thinks about me. Maybe its the same as before, or maybe different.. I don't know. We're so far apart. I don't know whats going on in his life, or what he is thinking when he gets all emo'd up. lol.. We're not the couple who talks everyday.. or celebrates our 1 month or 1 year 'anniversary' at the cafe by the beach.. We havent even gone on a proper date. I want us to be an ordinary couple but oh well... He says he loves me - guess thats good enough. I'll hang on & give it my best.

guess everyone figured that I'm not feeling my best tonight tts y I wrote this entry. blahhh...

I'll end my ramblings here.. thanks for even bothering to read this.. ha.